How To Do An ISIS in 10 Easy Steps

1 – Leave your job, family, society and civilization to put on the most heinous avatar for yourself. It is said that a man’s sincerity appears on his face and so does his dishonesty. If you’re ISIS, you need to go an extra mile to make Shakti Kapoor look like a sevak for women empowerment and Amrish Puri an advocate of human rights. You can look upto Lady Gaga for hideous outfits but everything needs to be black.

2 – Pick out each and every individual around you who isn’t like you, that includes birthmarks on the linings of one’s throat.

3 – Pick out anyone who belongs to a minority group. Doing a quick survey of Liverpool fans in India may help.

4 – Ask the minority to change their sides, or pay tax or die – as simple as that sounds. The side you represent seems like the terrorist group in Counter Strike, not a religion. The tax they could have paid has already been ransacked by you. Dying is not an option anymore because you must have already killed them by the time  I finish this sentence.

5 – Be on a hunt for areas of power-vacuum in the region. Observe areas where people have stopped listening to Rahul Dravid and are excited about the Sri Lankan Cricket team. Verily, those are the ones who have gone astray and it is your duty to stop their transgression.

6 – Raise a flag with a religious inscription on it that shows your mojo and not necessarily your belief. Gun down anyone who doesn’t wave at you while you’re touring the new land that you have captured.

7 – Involve your children in massacre and instead of them holding candies with #IsntaCute, #InstaBaby, #Adowable as their digital memory, immortalize their end of childhood with severed heads in their hands and sign off with ‘That’s my boy! #ISISocute!’

8 – Eliminate everyone who believes in something that you don’t. Because that’s what you did with sanity anyway.

9 – Release your frustration of lowliness, childhood sexual abuse and bickering from boss on people you have never interacted with, save for when they were pleading for you to not sever their heads.

10 – Revive a centuries old phenomenon as a straitjacket solution to all current problems of people similar to you. As your head, have someone who looks like a creepy antagonist right out of an Agatha Christie book. Burn that book because there is no other book is to be read than the one you do.

Honestly, after all this, it’s clear that you’ve either not read the book, or you’ve understood it as well as Rebecca Black understood music.

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